Chapter 21

MIXED EMOTIONS

She didn’t answer. Which was okay because it seemed alright either way. If this had been any other girl I probably wouldn’t pursue her if I knew she was married. I was putting her in a tough position, but she was allowing me to do it. Beth did say to push the boundaries to see if she was as happy as she let on in her marriage. Finally Pammie cleared her throat and gave me eye contact,
“So Samara…” I sat back in the seat sighing out.

 I didn’t want to really talk about her at all. I wanted to put my status really out there, but I knew that our sexual relationship might come into it.
“Samara is not my girlfriend…” I said bluntly and honestly. “I know what people are saying and I know what bullshit she’s been telling people. But we are not in a relationship whatsoever.”
“So not even sexually?” she said with a half a shrug. I scoffed and rolled my eyes at the question not expecting that she would ask that … but I wasn’t able to lie to her.
“She and I … ahem. Have had relations such as this in the past yes.” I was only two questions in and it was hard to answer these things about Samara. It could have been anyone else taking this interview, it just felt odd admitting them to Pammie.
“So I saw her leave the hotel on my way in. Would I be wrong to say that you are still continuing some kind of love affair with her?”

Oh for fucks sake.

There was a long pause and the room was dead quiet other than the rolling of her tape recorder.
“Pammie, you know. After 6 years you haven’t changed a bit darling. You’re still a very gorgeous woman…” I said hoping that might sway the question and I wouldn’t have to answer it. She completely scrunched her face and was not wowed by my compliment.
“What does that have to do with Samara Becke?”
“Nothing, I was just admiring your obvious beauty. I’ve not stopped thinking about you since yesterday…” I admitted. It was true I had thought of her many times over the last 24 hours, but she didn’t look convinced.
“So was this before or after Samara Becke left the Hyatt today?” Pammie said sternly. She wasn’t backing down for nothing.

 I actually felt a little pushed into a corner. I felt like she was upset with me, and I didn’t know why.
“Pammie, have I done something to offend you? I can’t help but think your cross with me…” Immediately Pammie’s expression softened and she pressed her lips together. She was either playing hard ball as a journalist or she was jealous.
“I’m sorry. It’s just the questions I have to ask…”
“I’ve dealt with reporters and journalists love, and you don’t have to ask anything. You could either write what you want with or without me or I can refuse to answer anything you ask. But I have set my relationship with Samara straight. Why are you pushing the matter further?” I asked. Pammie looked completely dumbfounded and she turned her recorder off.
“I don’t know. I just don’t know. I see you after all these years and it makes me think about all the great times we had. And then you want to take me to dinner. I see Samara leaving today … I’m just not sure what you want with me.” Pammie blurted.
“Wait, what? You’re the one who called the interview love…” I said confused.
“Oh look it doesn’t matter, I’ve just gone and made a fool of myself Sean. I should go… maybe reschedule or something,” she said getting up from her seat grabbing her bag.
“Don’t run love, you’ve done nothing wrong? What’s going on? I’m actually really confused…” I said barely able to grasp what was on her mind. Pammie stopped gathering her things and placed her hand over her head.

“I’m just in an awkward place that’s all. Between you, our past, and you and your current situations. It’s hard to hear I guess in ways…” Pammie admitted.
“Look you ask what I want and all I wanted to do is take you out to dinner and catch up with you. But why is this stuff so hard to hear when you’re married?” I asked her.
“I don’t know why. Possibly the same feelings you get when you hear I’m married. It’s hard to hear isn’t it?”

She was right. It was hard. And I hated the fact that she was married.

“Come on love. Sit down I’ll tell everything you need to know. I don’t want this tension between us,” I came over to her seat and pulled it out again and turned on the coffee machine. “Coffee or Tea?” I said smiling over to her.
“Coffee…” I wanted to admit everything to her, but at the same time I wanted to get to the bottom of what Pammie was feeling too.