WHERE DID SHE GO?
I stepped off the plane breathing in the London air. It had been too long since I was last here. I knew I could go and stay with my mother just out of London, but she was often too bossy and pedantic about every single thing. She often still treated me like a child even though I was nearly 30. I wasn’t quite ready to tell her I was home, so I knew my only alternative was to stay in hotel. I scanned hotels in London before scrolling over a familiar name.
I sighed and smiled to myself thinking about the best three weeks of life 6 years ago. I knew his parents owned that hotel and the hotels were also nice to stay at … but I scrolled past it choosing one a little further out of town that I knew I could stay at for at least a month until I found a new apartment.
For the last five years I had been living in Leeds with my husband. Originally I thought he was the one. The one I would grow old and grey with. But after suffering infertility for five years, it took a toll on us and he refused to go to a fertility clinic. I had to know if it was me because I couldn’t handle the idea of not being able to have children. When the results came back I handed them to him and he got extremely mad and slapped me several times.
He carried on as if I had insulted his manhood because he was the cause of us not being able to conceive. I left. I couldn’t tolerate being hit. I had endured the arguments and emotional abuse but the physical abuse was the final straw. I left and went back to London and moved into a small and run-down apartment before taking a trip to Australia for myself. I had been married too long, and never enjoyed anything. In Australia as fate would have it … I met up with Sean Hyatt. Someone I had not seen since high school. He was exciting, and there I was flirting like a teenager again before winding into bed with him. We barely surfaced for days and he ended up coming back to London and I almost felt like I was falling in love. I never wanted him to leave.
Shortly after Sean left, my husband Travis called and begged for another chance. I wasn’t sure if what I did was right at the time, or whether I just needed the small break from him to feel better about myself. But after weeks of flowers, apologies, and begging … I took him back.
Like an idiot!
I never mentioned what happened in the short time we were apart.
But he assured me that we were going to have a new life and a fresh start and we could even look into the idea of having a baby through the IVF. A month later we moved to Leeds and I never went back to London.
I was excited to go through with the IVF after 6 months of smooth sailing with Travis. He truly did convince me of his changes. Our first attempt was a fail and our second attempt I had a very early miscarriage.
We had been through nearly 10,000 pounds and it was beginning to put a strain on us financially and then again the emotional abuse surfaced once more. It was ‘my fault’ that we lost the baby… all of it became too much to bear.
He did a fantastic job hiding behind all the fakeness and all the lies. We didn’t try IVF again because it was too heart breaking and too emotionally draining. I figured if it happened with us, it just would. But it never did.
I watched him leave for work and took the first plane out that I had booked weeks earlier. Secretly every day I had boxed up things and placed them in the garden shed or under the bed. There was no reasoning with Travis and no trying to repair things. I just hoped that when he got back home and he realised I wasn’t there … he would know why I was gone. Even though I knew I would get calls for months wondering what happened with us. It was a gutless way to leave and I knew it. I just didn’t have the strength to face up to him any more, and god knows what he would do to try convince me to stay. Even a dark thought of danger flashed in my mind when I thought about what he could do to me if I told him I was leaving for good.
The couriers arrived before lunch and were putting my stuff in a storage locker in London until I came to retrieve them. I was happy to leave Leeds because I never felt right there anyway.
I was so glad to be back home.